Long Time No See

It’s awkward. So much to talk about and yet nothing comes out.

That’s what I felt last week when I saw old friends that I haven’t talked to for years.

However, this isn’t the first time this happened. In fact, it happens quite a lot. But why is it that it feels that way?

Is it because…

• we haven’t seen each other for so long that we moved on with our lives – far enough that we no longer hold that much importance to each other?
• everyone changed. We grew up – we are no longer the same person we once were. Our interests and preferences have changed. It’s nothing negative towards each other. Is it just the side effect of ‘maturity’?
• no one knows where to start the conversation – it’s been so long that the number of things to catch up on is overwhelming. Kind of like picking 1 movie out of 1000 awesome movies you really wanted to watch. It’s so overwhelming that you become stuck at choosing which one to go with.
• a big gathering isn’t the best time to talk and catch up – at least not for introverts like me. I find it very very very hard to open up when I’m in a crowd of more than 5 people. That’s probably why I prefer catching up over breakfast – a party of two or three. Conversations are more intimate – no filter, no judgment towards each other, just stories we’ve been meaning to share but haven’t had a chance to.
• we just don’t give a fuck anymore – plain and simple. Nothing negative towards the other person. However, that’s NOT what I felt toward old friends I had a good relationship with. I only feel that way towards people that pissed me off in some way, shape or form.

I remember the first time this happened to me. It was when I saw an old friend in my class (back in elementary). I fixed my gaze at him, hoping he’d look my way because I wanted to say ‘hi’ ‘hoy!’, but he just bolted away like he didn’t even see me. I was like, “Hmm, interesting…did I piss him off? Did I do something bad I wasn’t even aware of?”

Later on, I learned that he did that to my other friends too. Just…weird…

More (Awkward) Stories

A very old friend I used to hang out with. I’m not really close to him (he and I don’t have the same “wavelength”). Haven’t seen him in years. And then he would text out of nowhere, wanting to catch up. I felt weirded out. It’s not that I don’t want to hang out and catch up. In fact, I would if I randomly ran into him. But setting up a date to catch up just didn’t feel right. So I said, “Yes, sure…Let’s set something up”. But no one follows up.

Then there’s also that time when I ran into another old friend at the car wash station. We talked. Caught up. Exchanged numbers to hang out again in the future. But no one bothered to text each other after.

And then I hear a story of a good friend of mine when he ran into our old manager at this company we used to work for. What did my friend do? He walked away and hid like a prey from a predator. He pretended he was super busy grocery shopping that he never noticed him. But things became more awkward when they ended up running across each other in the parking lot! So much for hiding and dodging. It was awkward for my friend. But not for the old manager. One felt excited to catch up. The other preferred not to catch up. When he told me the story, I wondered “WHY the hell do we do this?”.

A friend of mine waved at an old coworker to say “hi”. The old coworker ignored him – like the hand-waving never happened. Awkward. It’s painful and embarrassing. That happened a lot to me too. Now I understand why people are hesitant to say “hi” to each other. Not even eye contact. There’s a high chance that both parties are just as scared as the other person, “What if he/she doesn’t recognize me?”

So to make things simpler (and better for our ego), we walk away and pretend that what just happened never happened.

However, that isn’t always the case. I have friends that I haven’t talked to for a long long time. But when we do talk, it feels like it was yesterday. A very good friend of mine whom I grew up with would only talk once a year. And our conversation only lasts for 10-minutes or sometimes 30-mins depending on what our conversation is about. Those are the people I want to stay in touch with.

I’ve been MIA on almost ALL gatherings. It’s NOT because I don’t want to go to those events, it’s just that I have to take care of other things that I find more important.  Some will say it’s selfish. But most people are selfish. We prefer to do what’s best for us (obviously). Reflect on those times when you convinced others to do something by crafting tactical excuses that don’t directly benefit you (when in reality it really is for you). Haha, we’re all devious in some way.

NOTE: if I decide to show up in one of those events, know that you are dear to me. Though it may not look like it – because I’m bad at expressing my emotions. I’m not saying you should appreciate my presence. It’s actually the other way around. I’m coming over because despite the numerous times I canceled, you never gave up on inviting me. That being said, I show up because it’s the simplest way I can show MY appreciation for your efforts. Anyway…

I also have a lot of ‘callbacks’ I have yet to do. I’ve been bad at making time for them because it’s either I’m always busy at something or because they’re always busy with something. We couldn’t get the timing right. It would be nice if I can just fast forward the things I do, speed it up so I can make more room to make these calls.

However, that’s not realistic. What’s more realistic is this new skill I wanted to learn…

Speed Reading

I borrowed a book (on sleep) and I wanted to return it asap.

Not only that but I also read technical specifications for a living.

The ability to read faster will definitely help me meet my deadlines. How am I doing so far?

Not sure. But I always catch myself reading the first and last words from each line of text. Using your peripherals for reading is not as easy as it sounds. Then I tried reading fast but failed (miserably) –  I either don’t remember what I read or understand any of it. Right, of course, you have no idea wtf I’m talking about. The video below explains it:

We all heard the phrase “Practice makes perfect”. But this morning, during my “speed reading training”, I learned that there’s something missing in that phrase. It should’ve been “Practice WITH SLEEP makes perfect”.

Sleep helps you store motor-memory more effectively. It also helps you discard unwanted memories – making room for the more important ones.

Here I go again with sleep. On to more peculiar things about me. I love…

Loser Music

That’s what my brother called it. I’m talking about Punk Rock music. Fuckin love it – despite what others think 😉

Why do I like it? Not sure really. Probably because it’s the first type of music I was exposed to (other than my dad’s music) that make me go “Hmm that’s catchy”.

Or maybe I do feel like a loser? 😀

OH, and I also listen to the following:

• Classic Jazz Orchestra – yea it’s saved in one of my radio’s presets.
• Spotify’s Jazz Vibes – when I’m cleaning.
• Ambient Brain Stimulating Music – when I’m at work.
• Alternative/Pop Rock – music that takes me back in high school in the Philippines.
• Whatever gets played in Hot 103 – whenever I wanna take a break from Spotify and podcasts.