I had a tough time sleeping on Sunday night.

I was given the opportunity to write e-mails for the online community I’m part of. Anxiety kicked in because I wasn’t sure how the e-mail I’d written was going to be perceived. The weird thing is, I wasn’t scared. Instead, I was excited. And when it finally came out, and after getting feedback from it, I felt relieved.

Then that feeling of relief turned into a feeling of appreciation, then it turned into a confidence booster.

It made me go, “Oh shit! I guess I can pull this off!”

***

“Hey RJ, you sounded a little intense earlier…”

When you have your earplugs on, it’s hard to gauge how loud you are talking in the real world. Worse, this happened in the office. Man, I was embarrassed because what just happened showed a side of me I rarely want my coworkers to see. So what happened?

I was bitching at two of my team members because I’ve had enough of this “I don’t know what’s going on” and then waiting til the last minute to figure out the answer.

Let’s just say I was fed up. The hulk in me came out unexpectedly.

***

I brought up the idea of applying for leadership roles to my ex-manager.

“Yeah I think you’d be a good fit”, he says, then he adds, “You need to stop being cautious”. I totally get what he is saying. It’s true: I’m playing it safe.

I avoid leadership positions because the position will reveal the asshole-side of me that I don’t want others to see.

Or maybe I’m not ready to have extra responsibilities.

One thing I’m trying to be careful of is that I’m not applying for a leadership role for the sake of having a leadership role.

I like the challenge. The idea of it sounds pretty good for my ego. However, I may not be able to enjoy the “price” that comes with it. No, it’s not the workload, but more about worrying for the rest of the team, instead of just worrying about myself.

Not only that, it’s also gonna steal some of the mental energy I’m currently saving for my “online career” —my writing.