160 Beats Per Minute
A surge of excitement flowed through me.
It wasn’t like any other “excitement” I’m used to feeling.
Hard to explain, as is the case for emotions – complex, never black-and-white.
However, I will try to explain/write about it anyway.
This will serve as an online memory log I can refer back to in the future whenever I feel the need to revisit that feeling. But why revisit?
Similar reasons as to why you would want to see a movie you’ve already seen or a song that you wanna put on repeat – to re-experience the feelings that brought you pleasure.
I would describe it as…
“As if the stars are in perfect alignment – I feel happy.
But a complex version of happiness as it comes with a hint of excitement, anxiety, fear, grateful, worry, blessed and most importantly – growth.
The feeling is so rare, it’s almost non-existent like the Philosopher’s Stone.
Excited like a peasant patiently awaits the arrival of my king.
Alert like a royal guard always on the lookout for danger and provide protection without hesitance even if it costs him his life.
Lucky like a lottery winner.
Stealthy like a ninja or a secret agent that avoids attention.
Selfish like Gollum to his precious.
When no one knows, no one will even attempt to take it.”
Yup! sounds like a riddle – a cryptic message only I can understand.
But as I said earlier, I can’t describe it – not logically at least.
With emotions, you’re always in the gray area.
The answer isn’t always clear.
It is difficult to boil it down to a simple “Yes-or-No” or “True-or-False” or “Good-or-Bad” or “Always or Never”.
Sometimes, you wonder what the other person is really feeling. Mixed signals are thrown at you from every direction. It’s confusing.
Note: this isn’t limited to romantic relationships but also with friends, family, teammates and other individuals you have a relationship with INCLUDING your relationship to yourself.
With people, you can never be too certain.
We change our minds all the time. What we feel we want right now might not be what we want a week later. Combine that with the changes in circumstances – what’s true today may not be true tomorrow.
It’s a never-ending dance with life – lots of twists and turns – always wrapped in uncertainty. That’s what I felt when I wasn’t sure if I was having a dream-of-revelation or a nightmare?
Face-to-Face with My Demon
It’s a dream.
Therefore, this is gonna sound messed up.
I’ll start with the ending.
“I was walking in a deep dark forest with little rays of light.
Dinosaur bones are all over the place as if I was back in the ancient times. I turned to my right and saw a small house. I followed the path.
In the house is a doll passed out as if he tripped and never bothered to get up.
I walked up to him, he woke up and looked at me with a sneer.
That doll was in the form of Chucky”
*Blackout*
That’s because my girlfriend decided to wake me up.
Apparently, I was making some weird noises that scared her off.
But instead of feeling relieved, I was like “Shit! Why? I finally got to see him” – not even realizing who this “him” is or why he is important.
My dream interpretation:
It’s probably a fear of mine I never thought existed or maybe avoided for a very long time. It’s “ancient” that is must have been dwelling inside me since I was a kid. It’s buried deep in my subconscious where its sole mission is to sabotage my attempts – to keep me from improving.
BUT BUT dreams are nothing but a product of your subconscious.
That said, I’m totally aware that I shouldn’t try to interpret dreams as if I’m trying to predict some future event.
You know how people say that whatever happened in your nightmare is actually the opposite of reality?
Well, I think that’s horseshit.
But as a general rule on dream interpretation: wouldn’t it be best to interpret the nightmare in such a way that it provides you with positive meaning?
I say that because most of us interpret nightmares in such a way that we need to stay on guard all the time due to some bad shit that’s about to happen.
But hey, try not to take dreams too literally.
You’re no Nostradamus.
Embracing Struggle
I downloaded Amazon’s Audible again on my phone.
After installation, a deal popped up.
I took the deal and downloaded
Now, what’s up with the purchase?
Well first, it’s a good deal (50% off) and I needed the motivation to stop bitching.
Why bitch in the first place?
Well, let’s just say I think I’m doing a lot as if I deserved a break.
But do I really need a break? Or maybe my version of doing “a lot” is skewed – meaning, it’s not a lot if I was to step back and assess it carefully?
Listening to his story and how is mindset developed would make you feel shame towards your view of “struggle”. This guy has been through a lot ever since he was a kid.
But instead of giving up on life, he pushed through it – he took responsibility.
Most of us are lazy because we feel entitled to have a break.
But when or what kind of break do you deserve from your efforts?
The answer varies from person to person as each one of us has different values.
The idea of “being enough” is a double-edged sword: it can be good or bad depending on how we use it.
In fact, most of the things we consider to be good can also be bad if mishandled or misunderstood.
Perhaps I’m a double-edged sword or some confused nut?
Half of the time, I’m contradicting myself – I strongly agree about something then later you’d hear me say things that disagree with it.
I’m also a hypocrite – I say this while I do the other.
Flashback: My grandma was the first person who called out my hypocrite-like personality. When I was a kid, after getting into an argument with her, she must’ve felt bad that she offered me an apple. But I refused lol. I grew up playing this invisible game of “psychological war” no one else knew but us. It’s our thing. I love her.
Anyway…
That goes to show my inconsistency.
Often irrational.
Don’t feel bad, it’s normal.
We are all irrational beings despite how smart we think we are.
We are our own worst enemy.
Do you agree?
A Year Ago This Week
I…
- am tracking my consistency to follow through my goals (which is what I’m going to start tracking again to keep me in line)
- bought a new book on life principles.
- then talked about why I buy books.
[Read more about it here]
Goal Update
Side Income
Didn’t study this week because I was super busy and I’m tired af
Health
Didn’t work out this week because I was busy and I’m tired af
Finance
Missed a credit card payment – the solution? I set-up my account to do auto-pay the minimum payment.
[P.S. the idea came from someone I truly respect]
Why I Failed to Follow Through
I didn’t study or work out because I cooked lunch/dinner/breakfast.
Because cooking involves cleaning the kitchen after
And because eating involves washing the dishes after
What seems to be like a 1-hr activity, actually lasts for about 3-4-hrs depending on how complex the dish you’re cooking or how long you want to enjoy what you’re eating.
But do you know what I find more challenging?
Thinking about what to cook.